Some people call it foolishness, and others call it home, while some don't even consider it in their self-made daily routine. Religion is kicking my ass lately. I attempted to abandon all morals, stop living like I was. Do something different, because maybe what I needed to fix me was change. Thus far, I don't think I'm right...however, I have discovered that I see life on a completely different level than I used to.
Approximately one year ago, I was so encompassed in making myself happy, despite all odds, that I nearly killed myself. After that, my brain went a little screwy and I forgot a lot of things. How to be me. I have misplaced myself. I have misplaced myself somewhere that is always close, but if I don't choose one path, I'll never find it again. That path proved to make me self-destructive and heartbroken. I'm still swimming in the the repercussions of said path. So where should I be now? Where have I landed on this map of life that somehow, every single living soul on this earth has been given? Finally I have realized that now, I am experiencing free will. Perhaps not to it's fullest extent, no. Not to that point where I can say that I have gone to hell and back. Not to the point where I allow myself to fall down a relentless and selfish stairwell. I take care of myself. Bathe myself, feed myself, dress myself, clean myself, drive myself, etc. I have joined societal mass and shouted "This is my life and I'm in charge; fuck you if you don't like it!" The only problem is, are we really? How are people who follow strict and monotheistic religions subject to choice of free will? My answer? Oh, well that would be nice if I had one...but I do not. I am so confused and my brain is full of all of these questions that cannot be answered by anyone, save Aristotle. A God (kind, terrible, merciful, treacherous, whathaveyou) created a universe, populated by planets, one of which is populated with people, (Now this is something I'm still pondering over. Why Earth? But that is an entirely different ball park.) right? So, where do I sit on this spectrum? My philosophy that I've adopted for however long it is before I change my metaphysical mind is this:
I, Olivia Rose Larson, have one thing to prove. Not to my family, not to God; to myself. I should eventually be happy.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's really obtainable for some people. Not even slightly achievable for some. Perhaps this shows that there is flaw is such philosophy. But if each individual has free will, it should be up to them whether or not they are happy yes? An emotional complex, I believe is what that would be called to some therapists. For the most part, people who are unhappy are unfulfilled. ADFHASDLFKJ. So what is it that fulfills you? The question remains! The question remains for me, and it won't be answered until I decide I want it answered. Isn't that strange? That, ultimately, everything in my life is up to me? IT IS. AHHH the idea of humanity has flooded my mind and is trying so hard to gush out my ears and my eyes, my nostrils and my lips. There is so much fright and anger, happiness and love pent up in that brain. I feel heavy, like my head will fall over soon because it is so dense!
I feel slightly empty, sometimes empowered, rarely not lonely. I remember when I didn't feel this way. I loved and my heart wrenched and melted, froze and sang. A time when I could do all that. I love.
Approximately one year ago, I was so encompassed in making myself happy, despite all odds, that I nearly killed myself. After that, my brain went a little screwy and I forgot a lot of things. How to be me. I have misplaced myself. I have misplaced myself somewhere that is always close, but if I don't choose one path, I'll never find it again. That path proved to make me self-destructive and heartbroken. I'm still swimming in the the repercussions of said path. So where should I be now? Where have I landed on this map of life that somehow, every single living soul on this earth has been given? Finally I have realized that now, I am experiencing free will. Perhaps not to it's fullest extent, no. Not to that point where I can say that I have gone to hell and back. Not to the point where I allow myself to fall down a relentless and selfish stairwell. I take care of myself. Bathe myself, feed myself, dress myself, clean myself, drive myself, etc. I have joined societal mass and shouted "This is my life and I'm in charge; fuck you if you don't like it!" The only problem is, are we really? How are people who follow strict and monotheistic religions subject to choice of free will? My answer? Oh, well that would be nice if I had one...but I do not. I am so confused and my brain is full of all of these questions that cannot be answered by anyone, save Aristotle. A God (kind, terrible, merciful, treacherous, whathaveyou) created a universe, populated by planets, one of which is populated with people, (Now this is something I'm still pondering over. Why Earth? But that is an entirely different ball park.) right? So, where do I sit on this spectrum? My philosophy that I've adopted for however long it is before I change my metaphysical mind is this:
I, Olivia Rose Larson, have one thing to prove. Not to my family, not to God; to myself. I should eventually be happy.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's really obtainable for some people. Not even slightly achievable for some. Perhaps this shows that there is flaw is such philosophy. But if each individual has free will, it should be up to them whether or not they are happy yes? An emotional complex, I believe is what that would be called to some therapists. For the most part, people who are unhappy are unfulfilled. ADFHASDLFKJ. So what is it that fulfills you? The question remains! The question remains for me, and it won't be answered until I decide I want it answered. Isn't that strange? That, ultimately, everything in my life is up to me? IT IS. AHHH the idea of humanity has flooded my mind and is trying so hard to gush out my ears and my eyes, my nostrils and my lips. There is so much fright and anger, happiness and love pent up in that brain. I feel heavy, like my head will fall over soon because it is so dense!
I feel slightly empty, sometimes empowered, rarely not lonely. I remember when I didn't feel this way. I loved and my heart wrenched and melted, froze and sang. A time when I could do all that. I love.
2 comments:
hello.
i am sitting in my basement. it is dark outside. i am listening to fake rain on my computer.
i have been experiencing a similar existential dilemma. do we have the same brain? you are very smart to ask these questions now. being content--not complacent--is better than being happy.
love is greater than hate (that's what daniel johnston told me a few weeks, everybody went nuts)
you, like me, like everyone living and dead, are a miserable wretch of a creature incapable of imagining what it really takes to achieve personal fulfillment, happiness, whatever you want to call it. simply because you did not create yourself, so how could you know all the inter workings of your mind and soul? there will always be an "and then" or a "now if only," no matter how pleasant or rich or meaningful your life becomes. there is no ultimate achievement in life.
this sort of thinking helps with ebbs and flows for me. as far as i can observe and know, it is true. i am excited to see you today. :)
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