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When will I ever be satisfied with what I've done? How could I be satisfied with how little I feel I've accomplished?
I once posed this question, and a good friend responded that "maybe it's good to feel that way." I had never thought about that, but she could be right. If I felt wholly comfortable with what I've done thus far throughout my career, how would I ever be encouraged to do better, let alone more? I have to ask myself this question every day because it seems that every day I'm feeling lonelier and frustrated. I can't compare myself to other people. I tried doing that once before, and I ended up nearly dying.

Olivia, you can't compare yourself to other people.

If I could just, for one day, see myself as someone else does, or have the confidence that Sam see's in me, it would be the best, most incomparable high in the world. Now, I say that without meaning to sound egotistical- that is my last desire. I say that meaning: I don't know really, what it's like to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tried to find myself for so long by external entities: self-medicating, dieting, hair color, clothes, friends. None of those things matter. I don't know why I ever tried to convince myself that they did matter. I just want to be okay with me. I have people all around me that love me, but I need to let go of some of them. There are a few that I need. Amy, Kassy, Sam. I love you guys. I gave up everything I knew for the past two years. I'm clean, and starting a regimen of SSRI's and...for right now, at least, using prescription benzodiazepines to help settle my spirit when I get queasy. I want this to work. I want to learn who I am and not be someone who is under the influence of culture. I'm working on this for now. I want it to work out for me. I want to build a career, find out who I am and what I want to do, and feel okay about my photographs. Feel okay that there are much better photographers with much fancier cameras, and people who are more successful than I am that can afford incredible cars. Maybe one day someone will feel that way about me. As for now, I just have to...go to work, do my best and smile.