Tell Kathi What You're DoingFor Spring Break

Tell Kathi What You're DoingFor Spring Break

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When will I ever be satisfied with what I've done? How could I be satisfied with how little I feel I've accomplished?
I once posed this question, and a good friend responded that "maybe it's good to feel that way." I had never thought about that, but she could be right. If I felt wholly comfortable with what I've done thus far throughout my career, how would I ever be encouraged to do better, let alone more? I have to ask myself this question every day because it seems that every day I'm feeling lonelier and frustrated. I can't compare myself to other people. I tried doing that once before, and I ended up nearly dying.

Olivia, you can't compare yourself to other people.

If I could just, for one day, see myself as someone else does, or have the confidence that Sam see's in me, it would be the best, most incomparable high in the world. Now, I say that without meaning to sound egotistical- that is my last desire. I say that meaning: I don't know really, what it's like to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tried to find myself for so long by external entities: self-medicating, dieting, hair color, clothes, friends. None of those things matter. I don't know why I ever tried to convince myself that they did matter. I just want to be okay with me. I have people all around me that love me, but I need to let go of some of them. There are a few that I need. Amy, Kassy, Sam. I love you guys. I gave up everything I knew for the past two years. I'm clean, and starting a regimen of SSRI's and...for right now, at least, using prescription benzodiazepines to help settle my spirit when I get queasy. I want this to work. I want to learn who I am and not be someone who is under the influence of culture. I'm working on this for now. I want it to work out for me. I want to build a career, find out who I am and what I want to do, and feel okay about my photographs. Feel okay that there are much better photographers with much fancier cameras, and people who are more successful than I am that can afford incredible cars. Maybe one day someone will feel that way about me. As for now, I just have to...go to work, do my best and smile.

An Online Decision.

Now i'm wondering, or should i say: i had a conversation with a good friend of mine, miss kassy miller about setting up topic specific blogs. So my first idea is to, you know, use the blogspot that you're reading currently. Beside the other seemingly pathetic journals (i.e.: xanga, livejournal, myspace, etc..) , i haven't a journal that i'm proud of. good job, blogspot. I'm proud of you.

My idea is to create a tumblr, a fluidr, and perhaps rejoin livejournal but i've been down that road before and am not sure i want to accidentally stumble into the wrong dimension. This is in addition to the blogspot i'm useing currently. This will have to become something too.

1. Fluidr for photography. That's an easy win.
2. Tumblr for cultural, music, and entertainment reviews.
3. Blogspot for my blog. I like that idea. Keep it consistent.

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Last night we got a lot of snow all of a sudden. Like somewhere around 7 inches. I had to go to work this morning at 10:00 and that is exactly what I did. I woke up and traveled on the snowy interstate at 45 mph. I took close 67 and reduced the queue by 20. I say, good job ol' chap. I enjoy having the cubicles to myself...i can play my music as loud as i want...feel comfortable. I love feeling comfortable. So then after work I went home and visited with my grandmother for a split second, got ready and then left to pick up sam to go to josh's. He had us and a few other friends over for the season premiere of Breaking Bad. We all delighted in wine cigarillos and good company and excellent burgers. Divine. After we left josh's incredible apartment, i drove sam home and went to bella vista to visit with kassy, aarden and kassy's little sister kirsten. They are some great company. Now i am home, delighting in the wonders of pandora radio and the fact that they just recently added Pretty Lights to their selection of artists. Derek Vincent Smith: you are a hell of a mixer. You kick so much ass at what you do. It would be my pleasure to photograph you someday. I can't wait to see you play again at the fayetteville town center. Cannot wait.

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In other news, i am still obsessed with cars. I'm thinking i'm in love with this certain photographic style that i am dying to learn about. Flipping through my eurotuner and super street i think, "how the fuck do these guys get these awesome amazing shots?". So i'm going to try to find someone to help me. Here are some examples:

Technicaldirector
Super Street
Eurotuner

I cannot think of any more to say tonight. It is 2:20 in the morning and i'm supposed to be at work at 9...lest awake at 6. goodnight, fellow bloggnites.

OH MEIN GOTT!

Dear Lord God,

It has been almost two years since my last usage of this blogspot belonging to olivia larson. I'm going to continue refraining from capitalizing my words, unless they are at the beginning of the sentence. Then they get capitalized. Let me recap the last two years for you in the easiest way i know how: bullets:

1. finished college as a flunk
2. dropped out of college
3. started dating sam allen
4. moved to benton - then quickly moved back to nwa
5. got a job at the walmart home office - i work at a pharmacy call center
6. started doing stupid drugs that no one needs to do
7. kept doing stupid drugs and made some new friends
8. a year flew by really fast
9. stopped doing drugs for a while
10. started smoking weed again. no biggie. who doesn't?
11. got my camera stolen
12. bought a new camera
13. am blogging on my blog spot


Boy, 13 bullets over a two year time span. Does that sound manageable? I think, personally, that if i had led a very interesting life in the last two years i'd have more than thirteen bullets. I decided to spelling out the word 'thirteen' the second time i used it because once when i was in high school, i type the number 13 in an essay and got deducted for it because apparently, if a number is less than 100, gramatically, you are supposed to spell it out. That makes sense, i think.

Last night sam and i went over to our friend's house and smoke a few bowls and watched a crazy awesome movie called The Island of Dr. Moreau. It was originally a book by h.g. wells written is 1896. Science fiction. Then in 1977 there was a movie made from the book. Then again in 1996. We all watched the 1996 version, and let me tell you blogspot, that was one heck of a movie. Val kilmer? Marlon brando? Yes, please. Here you go.



Another thing that i discovered last night was Tosh.0. He deserves to be capitalized, me thinks. Tosh.0 is a show conducted by a man by the name of daniel tosh. He is off of comedy central and makes fun of life and how it is evolving, particularly via technology, but exposing and exploiting some of the greatest videos out there. Thanks, tosh for making it all worth their while. Maybe one day i'll land one of my videos on your show.


Next! I have approximately eighteen minutes before i have to leave my computer chair and begin preparing for my day at work. To elapse that amount of time, i will share with you my new love: Nikon D90. It is great, with the exception that i don't have an external flash and it's pissing me off because i can't shoot nearly as cool of pictures as i used to. With that said, i CAN shoot video. If you haven't been keeping up with me for the last two years, here is what you've been missing:

Letters to Amy: 4 - Camera Bag: Demonstrated

or

Olivia Singing. I can sing.

Ladies and gentlerabbits: thus concludes my newly rejuvinated blogspot post of 2.25.2010. Goodnight, and good luck!

bathing in love

Some people call it foolishness, and others call it home, while some don't even consider it in their self-made daily routine. Religion is kicking my ass lately. I attempted to abandon all morals, stop living like I was. Do something different, because maybe what I needed to fix me was change. Thus far, I don't think I'm right...however, I have discovered that I see life on a completely different level than I used to.

Approximately one year ago, I was so encompassed in making myself happy, despite all odds, that I nearly killed myself. After that, my brain went a little screwy and I forgot a lot of things. How to be me. I have misplaced myself. I have misplaced myself somewhere that is always close, but if I don't choose one path, I'll never find it again. That path proved to make me self-destructive and heartbroken. I'm still swimming in the the repercussions of said path. So where should I be now? Where have I landed on this map of life that somehow, every single living soul on this earth has been given? Finally I have realized that now, I am experiencing free will. Perhaps not to it's fullest extent, no. Not to that point where I can say that I have gone to hell and back. Not to the point where I allow myself to fall down a relentless and selfish stairwell. I take care of myself. Bathe myself, feed myself, dress myself, clean myself, drive myself, etc. I have joined societal mass and shouted "This is my life and I'm in charge; fuck you if you don't like it!" The only problem is, are we really? How are people who follow strict and monotheistic religions subject to choice of free will? My answer? Oh, well that would be nice if I had one...but I do not. I am so confused and my brain is full of all of these questions that cannot be answered by anyone, save Aristotle. A God (kind, terrible, merciful, treacherous, whathaveyou) created a universe, populated by planets, one of which is populated with people, (Now this is something I'm still pondering over. Why Earth? But that is an entirely different ball park.) right? So, where do I sit on this spectrum? My philosophy that I've adopted for however long it is before I change my metaphysical mind is this:
I, Olivia Rose Larson, have one thing to prove. Not to my family, not to God; to myself. I should eventually be happy.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's really obtainable for some people. Not even slightly achievable for some. Perhaps this shows that there is flaw is such philosophy. But if each individual has free will, it should be up to them whether or not they are happy yes? An emotional complex, I believe is what that would be called to some therapists. For the most part, people who are unhappy are unfulfilled. ADFHASDLFKJ. So what is it that fulfills you? The question remains! The question remains for me, and it won't be answered until I decide I want it answered. Isn't that strange? That, ultimately, everything in my life is up to me? IT IS. AHHH the idea of humanity has flooded my mind and is trying so hard to gush out my ears and my eyes, my nostrils and my lips. There is so much fright and anger, happiness and love pent up in that brain. I feel heavy, like my head will fall over soon because it is so dense!

I feel slightly empty, sometimes empowered, rarely not lonely. I remember when I didn't feel this way. I loved and my heart wrenched and melted, froze and sang. A time when I could do all that. I love.

Adventures aside, today was not exemplary. Not extraordinary. I remembered how much I miss Hendrix. I received a phone call from Cole, a good buddy of mine. We shared stories, for it has been a long time since he and I spoke. That, again, reminded me of how happy I was during the summer, despite outside influences.
But now I have teary eyes and my head hurts when I tilt it a certain way. And The Water Song is playing and I can't stop thinking or typing and I loved so hard. With everything inside of me, all flesh and bone and soul and carbon dioxide escaping from the much needed nitrogen and oxygen combination I had previously inhaled. Even though from this day on I am under my jurisdiction alone, I don't know if things will change. Apart of me finds that enticing.

I am at work right now with the one minute I have before clocking back in laughing at me, or heckling me, attempting to make me as fired up as possible. I will not let this time hassle me. I will hassle it.
I am at work and I am thinking. Of specifics. Lots of specifics: Why do I feel light headed? Do I need to eat something? I had two burritos today. I always go to Taco Bell. Taco Bell houses a lot of conversations. What do other people talk about while in Taco Bell? I smeared my name on my Diet Coke can. Aspartame. Right, you are, aspartame is a negative impact on my brain.