.

Fork

2010-05-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

When will I ever be satisfied with what I've done? How could I be satisfied with how little I feel I've accomplished?
I once posed this question, and a good friend responded that "maybe it's good to feel that way." I had never thought about that, but she could be right. If I felt wholly comfortable with what I've done thus far throughout my career, how would I ever be encouraged to do better, let alone more? I have to ask myself this question every day because it seems that every day I'm feeling lonelier and frustrated. I can't compare myself to other people. I tried doing that once before, and I ended up nearly dying.

Olivia, you can't compare yourself to other people.

If I could just, for one day, see myself as someone else does, or have the confidence that Sam see's in me, it would be the best, most incomparable high in the world. Now, I say that without meaning to sound egotistical- that is my last desire. I say that meaning: I don't know really, what it's like to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tried to find myself for so long by external entities: self-medicating, dieting, hair color, clothes, friends. None of those things matter. I don't know why I ever tried to convince myself that they did matter. I just want to be okay with me. I have people all around me that love me, but I need to let go of some of them. There are a few that I need. Amy, Kassy, Sam. I love you guys. I gave up everything I knew for the past two years. I'm clean, and starting a regimen of SSRI's and...for right now, at least, using prescription benzodiazepines to help settle my spirit when I get queasy. I want this to work. I want to learn who I am and not be someone who is under the influence of culture. I'm working on this for now. I want it to work out for me. I want to build a career, find out who I am and what I want to do, and feel okay about my photographs. Feel okay that there are much better photographers with much fancier cameras, and people who are more successful than I am that can afford incredible cars. Maybe one day someone will feel that way about me. As for now, I just have to...go to work, do my best and smile.

An Online Decision.

2010-03-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Now i'm wondering, or should i say: i had a conversation with a good friend of mine, miss kassy miller about setting up topic specific blogs. So my first idea is to, you know, use the blogspot that you're reading currently. Beside the other seemingly pathetic journals (i.e.: xanga, livejournal, myspace, etc..) , i haven't a journal that i'm proud of. good job, blogspot. I'm proud of you.

My idea is to create a tumblr, a fluidr, and perhaps rejoin livejournal but i've been down that road before and am not sure i want to accidentally stumble into the wrong dimension. This is in addition to the blogspot i'm useing currently. This will have to become something too.

1. Fluidr for photography. That's an easy win.
2. Tumblr for cultural, music, and entertainment reviews.
3. Blogspot for my blog. I like that idea. Keep it consistent.

__________________________________________________________

Last night we got a lot of snow all of a sudden. Like somewhere around 7 inches. I had to go to work this morning at 10:00 and that is exactly what I did. I woke up and traveled on the snowy interstate at 45 mph. I took close 67 and reduced the queue by 20. I say, good job ol' chap. I enjoy having the cubicles to myself...i can play my music as loud as i want...feel comfortable. I love feeling comfortable. So then after work I went home and visited with my grandmother for a split second, got ready and then left to pick up sam to go to josh's. He had us and a few other friends over for the season premiere of Breaking Bad. We all delighted in wine cigarillos and good company and excellent burgers. Divine. After we left josh's incredible apartment, i drove sam home and went to bella vista to visit with kassy, aarden and kassy's little sister kirsten. They are some great company. Now i am home, delighting in the wonders of pandora radio and the fact that they just recently added Pretty Lights to their selection of artists. Derek Vincent Smith: you are a hell of a mixer. You kick so much ass at what you do. It would be my pleasure to photograph you someday. I can't wait to see you play again at the fayetteville town center. Cannot wait.

______________________________________________________

In other news, i am still obsessed with cars. I'm thinking i'm in love with this certain photographic style that i am dying to learn about. Flipping through my eurotuner and super street i think, "how the fuck do these guys get these awesome amazing shots?". So i'm going to try to find someone to help me. Here are some examples:

Technicaldirector
Super Street
Eurotuner

I cannot think of any more to say tonight. It is 2:20 in the morning and i'm supposed to be at work at 9...lest awake at 6. goodnight, fellow bloggnites.

OH MEIN GOTT!

2010-02-25T07:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord God,

It has been almost two years since my last usage of this blogspot belonging to olivia larson. I'm going to continue refraining from capitalizing my words, unless they are at the beginning of the sentence. Then they get capitalized. Let me recap the last two years for you in the easiest way i know how: bullets:

1. finished college as a flunk
2. dropped out of college
3. started dating sam allen
4. moved to benton - then quickly moved back to nwa
5. got a job at the walmart home office - i work at a pharmacy call center
6. started doing stupid drugs that no one needs to do
7. kept doing stupid drugs and made some new friends
8. a year flew by really fast
9. stopped doing drugs for a while
10. started smoking weed again. no biggie. who doesn't?
11. got my camera stolen
12. bought a new camera
13. am blogging on my blog spot

Boy, 13 bullets over a two year time span. Does that sound manageable? I think, personally, that if i had led a very interesting life in the last two years i'd have more than thirteen bullets. I decided to spelling out the word 'thirteen' the second time i used it because once when i was in high school, i type the number 13 in an essay and got deducted for it because apparently, if a number is less than 100, gramatically, you are supposed to spell it out. That makes sense, i think.

Last night sam and i went over to our friend's house and smoke a few bowls and watched a crazy awesome movie called The Island of Dr. Moreau. It was originally a book by h.g. wells written is 1896. Science fiction. Then in 1977 there was a movie made from the book. Then again in 1996. We all watched the 1996 version, and let me tell you blogspot, that was one heck of a movie. Val kilmer? Marlon brando? Yes, please. Here you go.

Another thing that i discovered last night was Tosh.0. He deserves to be capitalized, me thinks. Tosh.0 is a show conducted by a man by the name of daniel tosh. He is off of comedy central and makes fun of life and how it is evolving, particularly via technology, but exposing and exploiting some of the greatest videos out there. Thanks, tosh for making it all worth their while. Maybe one day i'll land one of my videos on your show.

Next! I have approximately eighteen minutes before i have to leave my computer chair and begin preparing for my day at work. To elapse that amount of time, i will share with you my new love: Nikon D90. It is great, with the exception that i don't have an external flash and it's pissing me off because i can't shoot nearly as cool of pictures as i used to. With that said, i CAN shoot video. If you haven't been keeping up with me for the last two years, here is what you've been missing:

Letters to Amy: 4 - Camera Bag: Demonstrated

or

Olivia Singing. I can sing.

Ladies and gentlerabbits: thus concludes my newly rejuvinated blogspot post of 2.25.2010. Goodnight, and good luck!

bathing in love

2008-03-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

Some people call it foolishness, and others call it home, while some don't even consider it in their self-made daily routine. Religion is kicking my ass lately. I attempted to abandon all morals, stop living like I was. Do something different, because maybe what I needed to fix me was change. Thus far, I don't think I'm right...however, I have discovered that I see life on a completely different level than I used to.

Approximately one year ago, I was so encompassed in making myself happy, despite all odds, that I nearly killed myself. After that, my brain went a little screwy and I forgot a lot of things. How to be me. I have misplaced myself. I have misplaced myself somewhere that is always close, but if I don't choose one path, I'll never find it again. That path proved to make me self-destructive and heartbroken. I'm still swimming in the the repercussions of said path. So where should I be now? Where have I landed on this map of life that somehow, every single living soul on this earth has been given? Finally I have realized that now, I am experiencing free will. Perhaps not to it's fullest extent, no. Not to that point where I can say that I have gone to hell and back. Not to the point where I allow myself to fall down a relentless and selfish stairwell. I take care of myself. Bathe myself, feed myself, dress myself, clean myself, drive myself, etc. I have joined societal mass and shouted "This is my life and I'm in charge; fuck you if you don't like it!" The only problem is, are we really? How are people who follow strict and monotheistic religions subject to choice of free will? My answer? Oh, well that would be nice if I had one...but I do not. I am so confused and my brain is full of all of these questions that cannot be answered by anyone, save Aristotle. A God (kind, terrible, merciful, treacherous, whathaveyou) created a universe, populated by planets, one of which is populated with people, (Now this is something I'm still pondering over. Why Earth? But that is an entirely different ball park.) right? So, where do I sit on this spectrum? My philosophy that I've adopted for however long it is before I change my metaphysical mind is this:
I, Olivia Rose Larson, have one thing to prove. Not to my family, not to God; to myself. I should eventually be happy.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's really obtainable for some people. Not even slightly achievable for some. Perhaps this shows that there is flaw is such philosophy. But if each individual has free will, it should be up to them whether or not they are happy yes? An emotional complex, I believe is what that would be called to some therapists. For the most part, people who are unhappy are unfulfilled. ADFHASDLFKJ. So what is it that fulfills you? The question remains! The question remains for me, and it won't be answered until I decide I want it answered. Isn't that strange? That, ultimately, everything in my life is up to me? IT IS. AHHH the idea of humanity has flooded my mind and is trying so hard to gush out my ears and my eyes, my nostrils and my lips. There is so much fright and anger, happiness and love pent up in that brain. I feel heavy, like my head will fall over soon because it is so dense!

I feel slightly empty, sometimes empowered, rarely not lonely. I remember when I didn't feel this way. I loved and my heart wrenched and melted, froze and sang. A time when I could do all that. I love.

2008-01-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

Adventures aside, today was not exemplary. Not extraordinary. I remembered how much I miss Hendrix. I received a phone call from Cole, a good buddy of mine. We shared stories, for it has been a long time since he and I spoke. That, again, reminded me of how happy I was during the summer, despite outside influences.
But now I have teary eyes and my head hurts when I tilt it a certain way. And The Water Song is playing and I can't stop thinking or typing and I loved so hard. With everything inside of me, all flesh and bone and soul and carbon dioxide escaping from the much needed nitrogen and oxygen combination I had previously inhaled. Even though from this day on I am under my jurisdiction alone, I don't know if things will change. Apart of me finds that enticing.

2008-01-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am at work right now with the one minute I have before clocking back in laughing at me, or heckling me, attempting to make me as fired up as possible. I will not let this time hassle me. I will hassle it.
I am at work and I am thinking. Of specifics. Lots of specifics: Why do I feel light headed? Do I need to eat something? I had two burritos today. I always go to Taco Bell. Taco Bell houses a lot of conversations. What do other people talk about while in Taco Bell? I smeared my name on my Diet Coke can. Aspartame. Right, you are, aspartame is a negative impact on my brain.

ah mench!

2007-12-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

This week flew by so quickly. On Sunday I got off of work and did something...
And on Monday I had the day off, slept in, did something...I don't remember.
Tuesday I worked. I don't remember that at all. Then people came over to my house. I lit my hair on fire and now I have a new chunk of bangs that are slightly shorter than all of the others. I drained too much of everything that I had left with everyone...and then everyone left. Mark came back and we hung out, watched a movie and then I went to bed.
On Wednesday I had the day off again. I met Anthony (he's a very good person) at Maria's for lunch/dinner. We ended up hanging out until 1:34...I think that's what time it was. I got home late. Then on Thursday I worked. 12-5. Got off at 5 and went home. I saw my mom then for the first time in awhile. Then I went out with Sam for cake at Denny's...made an alcohol run to a Jay's house. (Sam knows Jay. I do not.) Then we went to Sam's...savored what little was left of everything. Ate too much...but not really. Something sour? I don't remember much. The movie made me sleepy. Superbad is awful. Then I went home at 4. Haha. I don't get sleep really. Because this morning I woke up to go get something with Anthony. It turned out to be tea. Good freaking tea. Then McAlister's, Ben Jack's, Barnes & Noble, Malco, then BP. We saw Lions for Lambs for free. I didn't like it much. Then around 6 I headed up to Bella Vista for family time, where I sit now. Okay. Bye.

2007-11-29T16:03:00.001-08:00

There are so many things online to keep up with. So many things to make you worry, because we don't worry enough outside of the computer chair.
My neck hurts because I worry about real shit in the real world. (Ha, how pretentious could I have become after that sentence?)
-I have four cats now. Three of which live at my house.
-I'm going out tonight.
-Me and Sam hang out a lot alot alot.
-I've seen a lot of Fayetteville lately.
-Work is monotonous but I love my coworkers.
-I drove approximately 450 miles yesterday and today.
-I went to Little Rock last night at 8 pm. And left this morning at 5. am. ow.
-My gut hurts.
-I haven't eaten today. Why not? Please eat.
-I don't want to make a list anymore.
-I don't smell good. :(

2007-11-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

GUESS WHAT WORLD?
MY FAMILY IS CRAZY.

...no, literally.

2007-11-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well, I found out what I spent $10 on. It was donated to a fund for a large sum of rolls of ecstasy.
But I got paid back, so it was okay?

Also, I found out what I want for Christmas. It is not much...and it is mostly expensive. I hate that I love camera equipment. And expensive tv shows.
(mmm...House and Gilmore Girls)

I'm a little sick, I think. I also don't have to work on BLACK FRIDAY. (that echoed when I typed it, I'm sure)

I saw a lot of people today. People I like. It was positive.

Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

SO

2007-11-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Although I didn't get to go see The Crystal Method, I did happen to be on Dickson, see an entirely different show, watch people leave George's, stand in line at Jimmy John's for way too long, smoke hookah, stay out later than I have in an extraordinarily long time, and ride in Alec's amazingly beautiful car, all for free! I had a choice time, indeed.
And on Sunday I spent the day with my sister, ate too much ice cream and slept in this morning until my therapist called and told me I had missed an appointment. Because I ate too much ice cream and slept in too late. HA.

I work tomorrow through Saturday. Long shifts, for the most part. I'll survive.
And I open tomorrow...and I can't sleep.
BOO.

I really want to find out what I just spent $10 on.

What do I want for Christmas? What do you want for Christmas?

so what are you doing this weekend?

2007-11-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

OH NOTHING. JUST MISSING THE CRYSTAL METHOD WHILE THEY ARE IN MY TOWN.

yeah, I'll be slaving away at a bookstore, listening to repeats of bob dylan and queen lateifa while all of the other crystal method fans get to watch them. at george's. on dickson. IN FAYETTEVILLE.
WHAT THE HELL?!

cars

2007-11-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

I don't have the greatest luck with cars. I'll have to buy a new (used/very used) one soon, but the one I have now seriously does not like me. This morning the cruise control quit and the brake lights stay on all the time. Even when the car is off. Even when it's on and I'm accelerating. So I am not working tomorrow, therefore will spend the majority of my day sitting at the car store getting it fixed. YES. THE PERFECT DAY.

My feet hurt?
House is almost on.
I'm downloading a lot of Bob Dylan.
I don't feel bad about downloading music.
It's okay with me.

I took Helen out last night and we went to dinner and went to Hastings after such adventures. Lots of Benny Benassi and regular girl talk. Not like the rap girl talk. It was good. Reliving summer. Good summer.

Pace.

we are

2007-11-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

NORTH AMERICANS.

Oh, hai!

2007-11-02T09:09:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm pretty sure that Halloween was always intended to be as fun as it was, I just hadn't experienced it yet. Now that I have, never again will I let a Halloween go by without such adventure. Some of my coworking friends played a set; it was extraordinary. I couldn't have imagined that such a good band would come out of Arkansas. I can't even say Pilotdrift came out of Arkansas...they were on the Texas side of Texarkana.
Of course, the next morning I had to go to work at 8:30 on a very bad 3 hours of sleep. And I considered going home, but then I realized that everyone working was really hungover. It would have been rude of me to leave. My manager called me and made sure I wasn't hungover. That made me laugh a lot a lot alot. He also told me he wasn't coming in because he was "sick". So I had a good 8 hour shift on my toes and I went home and died a little.
This weekend I'm going to Little Rock. For sure. I have plans lined up, a house to stay at and fun to be had.
So(for you, reader of my blog), I give you photos of my week.

being: "radish"

reading: "come to fuck mt."

COLT 45

2007-10-30T16:00:00.001-07:00

and two zig-zags, baby that's all we need. We can go to the park after dark and smoke that tumbleweed.

Good, amazing weekend provided by some LR friends. Good, amazing Monday provided by Fayetteville friends, Hank and Aidan new friends Meng and Joe.

My...feet hurt from standing for the past 8 hours.

I think I'll be going to hell on the hill tonight.

Goodbye.

2007-10-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

This week flew by me. Literally flew. By me. Like a bird or an airplane. Anything with wings, really. Michael. Gabriel. One of them.

Josh came to chill today. Watched a movie, ate sum lunch, took some pictures. It was good fun. Great fun. Good companion, that chap.

I've felt a little disconnected from life lately. Like, I don't get jokes sometimes, people have to ask me questions multiple times, or else, I'm just really short. Not in stature, just in verbal communication.

cGot a lot of phone calls last night which wasrazy. Plus, I talked to a lot of people online, too. It's like, people can sense when someone needs to be talked to. So I'm not going to Muskogee tonight, and not tomorrow night either. I am working tomorrow night. A lot. Only a seven hour shift, though. It means money.
Also, I have a few people who have piped up about accompanying me around the country. And it will happen. It will happen. I may not go to school next semester so I can work and make enough money to pay for my apartment, car, insurance, food AND go across the country. I mean, 14 hours? 4 classes? Will it make that big of a difference? Ah, I don't know. I just want to live my life and escape and do things happily.

2007-10-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

A boy I know through the internet posted this poem, which I felt should not be held to myself. It would be selfish of me not to repost it for the few people who read this blog not to lay their eyes upon.

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn’t touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn’t resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin’s bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

Love Song, Rainier Maria Rilke

A while ago, I would have told you that I didn't like poetry that much because it made my head hurt and it was hard for me to read. Within a given amount of time, my opinion has completely changed. Mostly, I realized that it's damned near impossible for words to give you a headache, and more so, that was a ridiculous excuse to ignore the provided. So I started reading it whenever I saw it. I like it. Yes I do. And yes, I'm still adapting to the silly ways of distinguished British writing and the mature ways of describing such things, but I like. I can like it however I choose.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is a road, demonstrating the general emphasis of the following paragraph.

I am driving a circle around the United States, with a plan to avoid the Midwest with all of my ability. I am doing so because my heart told me to do it and my head followed its direction. I will begin a photo book of every state that I go to, every home that I stay at, every person I meet. I will meander across the east coast, beginning in Savannah, Georgia and ending in Manchester, New Hampshire. Then across the north I will go, swerving around, from Chicago to Milwaukee, Spearfish to Denver, Salt Lake City to Walla Walla. The West should serve me well, going to Santa Barbara to Flagstaff. Then to anywhere, Dallas. Home. Of course, I may tweak these in the future because I have until May to set a complete plan, but even then...when I'm on the road I can change my plans. If I allow myself $40 a month (which is doable, really), I will have approximately $4000 saved by May. That is...if I don't have to shell out any money for classes or room and board. Which is highly unlikely. Either way, I will make it work. I will I will. I promise you this.

2007-10-21T19:54:00.001-07:00

I forgot to eat today.
It completely slipped my mind.

Every customer at work was an asshole.

2007-10-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

Cataclysmic Joe is what I called him…It, actually, but I’ll go ahead to refer to Joe as “him” to differ to various non-gender specified things latter in this entry.
About three years ago I went to New Zealand, land of ungodly accents. If there is one thing I hate, it may be Australian accents. In fact, the other night I went to this talent show, in which the winning talent was a team of boys, one having a “New Zealand” accent. I, although laughing at parts, was completely perturbed by this annoyance.
So as I have already displayed by the sentences above, my time in this part of our land was spent mostly with earplugs in to dilute the sickening distraction of these accents. Because I spent so much time not listening and more time just looking, I happened to ignore (more so not hear) the civilian’s warnings, which were barely implied (They live in New Zealand for God’s sake. They don’t do anything there but watch nature and protest for peace in a pacifist country). Honestly, their warnings didn’t even register with them because they were so half-assed and nonchalant; it wouldn’t be worth the New Zealanders’ time to recognize their words to Americans.
While on this excursion of deafness, I walked straight into a notorious bondage shop that was decoratively disguised as a record store. Yes, the foreboding accents could have solicited a small amount of advice to keep me out of such danger. I did not, however, hear it and was therefore suck in a ridiculous situation. To my unknowing, there is a law that engulfs the entirety of the bottom half of the equator that states that all participants of bondage shops must buy something. Well, damnit I sure as hell didn’t know, and if I had I wouldn’t have stepped on the 5.2 mile (kilometer?) wide sidewalk in front of it. I desperately bolted for the door, but was knocked out by a very large black man wearing a leather corset (this may have been worth such an extravagant day) using a “Drew Carey’s rubber hammer”. I was a perfect demonstration for all of the on-lookers who were tempted to buy such a creation. So whenever I came to, a transgendered platypus was dangling children’s play keys over my ears, not understanding that I still had earplugs in. Ends up, in places outside of the United States, it’s quite common to use platypuses to experiment on human-animal organ replacement. He got a brain. It worked and he could talk and have subconscious thought and felt things. He said he could always feel things…but never this dramatic.
So, since he didn’t have a name because the store owner always had his mouth sticky with vegemite and couldn’t open more than .5 cm, I was deemed in charge of naming the transgendered platypus. He was nice enough and I couldn’t for the life of me understand how he ended up in such a hole in the wall, but he enjoyed seeing so few people; he was pretty sure it would have overwhelmed him to be in a public place. Also, he was kind of embarrassed that he was a transgendered animal; it was a post-op. that occurred before he woke up from his brain transplant. He kept going on and on about how everyone always tried to console him by explaining that he was special and one-of-a-kind. But where he is from, it’s quite bad to be special. In fact, everyone had to be similar or else you were abandoned. (Platypus abandonment was almost as bad as leaving the Amish for the English world.)
In due time, Cataclysmic Joe (as suggested by me, chosen by him) worked out a good way to get me out of the store without having to support the “arts”, as he enjoyed calling it. We cultivated a friendship, Cataclysmic Joe and I. It was nice, too, that he was void of any accent from the underbelly of the world. In fact, he kind of had a hint of Russian in him.
He wasn’t sad to see me go, and I wasn’t sad to be gone. I don’t miss him and I’m quite sure he doesn’t miss me, but I do wonder what he’s done with his transgendered self.
I left the store and tripped over a few boxes, went to a gas station, cringed at the gas attendant’s greeting, and immediately bought an ice cream and earplugs. I spent approximately four days in New Zealand. This was day four. I left for Japan that night and hid in the lavatory for the majority of the flight, due to the chatty, old, bad accented bastard who insisted on talking to me about his non-war stories. I learned Japanese while there.

2007-10-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

last night got the best of me.
it is time to recharge my battery alone.
but i'm supposed to go meet my mom at her chemo appointment.
and i really dont' want to.
i do not feel well.

2007-10-16T10:34:00.001-07:00

I think that above picture may be my favorite.
The below are not.

In Ramenbows

2007-10-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

I just now finished my water.

I just downloaded In Rainbows.
I can't get myself to listen to it. It seems like too big of a deal to exploit it to my ears while I sit here in a baggy shirt and shorts, my hair disheveled, and alone with no real emotional connection to anything right now. So, no. I'm sorry Radiohead. You must wait until another time.

2007-10-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

I had poured myself a big glass of water because I was so thirsty, only to come to the computer and completely forget that it was there until now.

I work today with a girl I have not met before named Charity. I worked with a girl named Charity at JC Penney, too. I did not realize there were so many Charity's in the work world. Pat seems to like to schedule me to close and apparently I'll always be working on Sundays.

370 new songs downloaded to my iTunes since the installment of soulseek onto my computer. It is a nice thing, this illegal downloading.

I have a roll of film to pick up and I am greatly anticipating this pick up. I think they will prove to be good photos. If not, shame on me.

2007-10-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

The sun is bright and the carpet is clean,
I drove around in the Fayetteville scene.
The scent of coffee and cake lingered,
But only as she finished the cake and fingered
Her glass of water, soaked in condensation.
There solely to notice Fire without...
A BREAK IN HER CONCENTRATION!!!

YES! i wrote a poem that rhymed. Never again will this happen.

Helen and I went out last night for a ride and such:
Section A:

1. Arsagas
2. D-Rok, Cory, Alec
3. multiple chocolates mocha!!!
4. Alec rewarding me with a Sharpie
5. Work stories
6. Number exchange

Section B:
1. 4208 apt. 11
2. Satine Sheets Turner
3. MEOW
4. Pin-Up Pictures
5. Ms. Turner (Shayla's Momma)
6. time to go

Section C:
1. Village Inn
2. FIRE
3. Do you want cake? Carrot cake!
4. sucky onion rings
5. story swap
6. football fans
7. scene run in
8. "oh, shit! my lights aren't on."

Section D:
1. I need gas.
2. Shell Station
3. gross bathroom
4. can we help you?
5. I guess I have a jack.
6. sit, donut, leave

Section E:
1. Wallgreens bathroom
2. Trojan WHAT?!
3. Bike City Search
4. drunk people
5. no lucky finding bike city
6. laugh/scream

And then we went home because by that time it was like, almost 1:00.

2007-10-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

It had been a long Friday and I was physically tired. I drove home in the very dark early morning and listened to a mix cd that I made called 'Helen'. (Naming mixes after people is something I've done for the past year, but up until now, they've only been playlists on my iTunes). And I drove under the speed limit and I felt like I was soaring down the road. I like it when I'm alone and don't have anywhere to go or have anyone to be aware of. I closed my eyes on the way home and I felt like when I opened them I was home. But actually, I was only halfway down Carley. I liked that feeling.

I also liked the movie Josh, Amy and I saw yesterday. Last night was a good one.

Yesterday in general was good. Good work, good finding of my battery charger for my camera, good friends, good waitress, good movie. ...alright movie. good drive home.

2007-10-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

The colors in the house aren't as I'd like them to be. A soft beige sleeping on the sofa, tunneling in from the shadows of the blinds is the only thing that looks familiar to me. That's because it has been there for years and I've documented it on several different occasions. With a lot of different people, too. And although it all will look the same, it isn't. It's been traded out times more than a few. I remember when I slept on that couch, when my sister slept, when my mother slept. When Amy or Israel or Sam, Josh, Bryce, or Jon, Daniel, Katelyn, or Chad sat on the couch. No body really likes to stay, though. It makes me wonder if it resents being so uncomfortable.

There's a ticking that has been bothering me all morning, but nothing has come of it and it has come of nothing. And now that I inspect the room for a final time, I think, although my vision is blurred, that the legs on the piano stool are awfully skinny. They are as proportionate as a cartoon person, but the way its brown is reflected on the tile, I don't see how it holds anything up. They are weak and I wish to put a rug under them to make sure that they do not get sore on such a hard surface.

It's too cold on my floor and too cold on my bed; comfortable isn't something I find lately at home.

2007-10-09T08:06:00.001-07:00

My hypothesis was correct.
Yesterday stopped being happy around 10:00.

lipses

2007-10-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Today, being October (I originally wrote September; I'm very happy it is October now) 8th, I am happy. Yes, because I am crazily indecisive, I doubt I'll finish the day with this ecstatic high, but for the time being, I will exhaust it on my blog.
So I woke myself up this morning at 6:23 am and refused to go back to sleep. There I sat in my bed in not a whole lot of cloth, writing songs. I sat for an hour until it was time for me to get ready. I got dressed and organized and felt very pretty despite my hair desperately needing a cut. I still feel pretty. This is a good feeling.
I dropped my mom off at work (which will continue until I can persuade her to not give Bethany the sonata due to her excessive bad luck with Hyundai cars) and had nothing to do until 9:50. By this time it was 8:34 and driving down College Ave. sounded pleasing. I did so and ended up behind a boy I know and in front of a girl I know. It was all very strange, but eventually I completely forgot about it. By this time, I was sitting at Wilson Park, watching small children run around on a jungle gym, forgetting that they would have to take a dismal nap after their exploration pleasure.
A police officer pulled his car up next to me and my heart started getting a high strung. I don't have a vendetta against police, but they just scare the hell out of me. He asked me to leave because a person had rented out that area of the park for that morning. I had no idea people could rent parks. So I went on. And drove. Drove to the college, drove past Arsagas, drove past the businesses and the people in their suits. I sat in the parking lot at Barnes and Noble for half an hour, before I went in to talk to my manager, Pat. Pat was not there because his grandmother had died. So I did not work today and I do not know if I will work tomorrow because Pat has not yet called me to tell me about my schedule. This was unfortunate, but I will survive, I'm sure.
I left and drove down the interstate and once again, passed my exit. It was a mistake, for sure, because the skies opened up and scolded me for wasting gas. I could not see and missed another exit. Starbucks sounded like a good shelter, so I barricaded myself inside while the rain continued. My friend Joey gave me free coffee because their power was out and it was all they had left, which was fine by mine. I did not have money any way and was counting on Joey to give me free coffee in the first place. He and I caught up a little because I had not seen him in a while. I miss him very much, I think. He was a good friend. That's him up there. We were on Dickson St. in April 2005. He bought his cherry flavored cigar for 69 cents. I like that I can remember that.
The rain let up a little, so I went home to my cave. As much as I have avoided the cave lately, I am glad I can enjoy it today. It's very beautiful. The weather is perfect: the rain is consistent and loud, overcast and dark, the highs all week are in the low 70's. This greatly contributes to today's happiness. And I played the piano today. I don't play the piano, but for not playing, I think I wrote an entirely good song.
I hope joy is filling your heart today, too.

2007-10-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

It is Sunday. It is the last day of the weekend. The last free Sunday I will have for a very very long time. I was awoken this morning by a woman who told me to take my sister to the college. At 8:00. So I did and in due time I ran out of gas and had to stop at a station to fill up. So there I sat with a full tank of gas, a pair of shorts and a shirt that switched from being pajamas to an outfit in two minutes, and no schedule. So, I thought I'd go home. As I drove into Springdale, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and sit in a cave. I drove past the Sunset exit, the Elm Springs exit, the Wagon Wheel exit...and ended up stopping in Rogers in a vacant parking lot for half an hour. I just sat there. It was good.

Yesterday was Saturday. I went to a car show and, once again, fell madly in love with a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air. Then I went home after a longer inspection than anticipated and prepared myself for my interview. At 5:15 I presented myself to Barnes and Noble. I was supposed to meet with this man name Pat, but upon further details, I was informed that his grandmother had passed away that morning...so Michael was a good second. He and I talked about music. A lot of music. And Mr. Peven. Starting tomorrow, I am a positive, energetic employee of Barnes and Noble music department. Dinner, fire, alcohol, big truck. I drove to Josh's, picked up Josh and Bryce, got gas, got drinks, drove back. After a while, Shawn, Amy and I drove to Arsaga's, Bentonville, Barrett's, Shawn's, Wal-Mart, Amy's. It was good night in a big black truck. It was Marty's and he told me to take it. On my way home around 12, I, once again, did not want to go home. As I drove down the street, my heart was lifted and I felt this welcoming hello into life. I watched the street lights go out in the parking lot of an elementary school and it was beautiful.

I need to desperately get away. Many times I've driven past the exit that I need. It is only a matter of time that I never stop. I am ready for that.

a friendly contribution

2007-10-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

a disheveled olivia

An unestablished connection between me and reality has put me in a bit of a rut for the past year. Just recently have I actually been able to recognize substantial things. These things being: It is hard to find a job. Sometimes you have to look nice. People pay a lot more attention than you might like. Things are actually expensive sometimes.

After a day full of avoiding a certain person, keeping me cooped up in my cave for hours on end, I was needless to say, ready for a break. I grabbed the keys and took off to the mall, where I accordingly turned in an application or two. One of which was at Eddie Bauer. I was a professional lady and spoke eloquently while talking to the manager; she implied that I was almost guaranteed the job, which I hope is the case. I enjoy serving old ladies in their clothing choices. I am one myself.

In attempt to increase the amount of my mother's coworker's favorableness[1] toward me, I created a mixed cd for her to present to them tomorrow. It's obscure and a stretch, yes, but it has been shown to me that a few of them actually like good things. Michael likes Tom Waits. Matt likes Wolfmother. It all will even out, I think.The track list:

1. Monk Time - The Monks
2. Enemy Guns - DeVotchKa
3. Metal Postcard - Siouxsie & The Banshees
4. Turn It Out - Death From Above 1979
5. Jesus, Etc. - Wilco
6. Chinese Translation - M. Ward
7. Jeremiah - The Archivist
8. Promise - CocoRosie
9. Your Light Is Spent - Final Fantasy
10. Cassiopeia - Joanna Newsom
11. Happy Family - Hungry Villagers
12. Buried In Teeth - Mariee Sioux
13. Your Lips Are Red - St. Vincent
14. The Fall - Peter & The Wolf
15. Vagabond - Wolfmother

i dreamed i was a werewolf.

2007-10-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

I was surprised that whenever I just touched the keys, letters appeared on the computer monitor. It was I who was wrongly convinced by the computer's intentions. That seems strange; it should definitely be the other way around.

Today was productive: seven applications in, two more to return.

I GOT BUMPED!

Silly, absurd, redonkulous: the correct words to describe reflections of today's happenings. The first half was so fast paced that I could not keep up. Wake up in Bella Vista, drive to Fayetteville, drive to Springdale, dress, therapy, Arsaga's, application #4, Party House, applications #5&6, drive to campus, park, eat at the Union. All before 1:00! Things began to slow and my heart began to catch up with my head. I freaked a bit and left the dorm. On the way home, beginning at the 6th St. exit in Fayetteville, my physical functions began to wear out on me. My eyes were shutting and my hands were falling off of the wheel like a rock slide; I became apathetic. Somehow by the grace of God I made it home, where I crashed and cleaned...discussed the possibilities of my crash and was accordingly resolved. I wasn't busy busy, so I actually had time to think. Simple, actually. Well, my mother took my sister and me out for dinner at Red Lobster, where I fashionably ordered the Apple-walnut Chicken Salad hold the chicken. Out waiter was funny and asked me a lot of questions as I observed my mom slipping slowly out of reality into a world she hadn't entered in a very long time. Feed her rum and she's gone. That drive home was crazy. She attempted to yell at a police officer at a stoplight, but I thankfully had the ability to control the windows. Then I came into contact with the second person in the last week of my relatively distant past. I just finished applications for the hospital. I would very much like to work in a hospital. Or a bridal store...which I applied to.

It is late and I have some wash to do.

Where'd you go and put my strings?

2007-10-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was looking at old photos to upload to flickr yesterday. Normally I classify old as not in the past year. But then I realized what it was I was looking at. They were photos from a high school musical production. So I tried my very best, with all my might to remember what I was doing then...but all I could remember was my sister's life.

I remember that she and I had matching pairs of jeans from Express and I always wore mine with a white and green shirt or some obscure children's t-shirt that I discovered while tilling the mines of Salvation Army. A blue one with a bus on the front that read "tumblebus". It had stars shooting out from it. All I wore was my camera around my back, it's only form of solidarity was resting on my neck. I remember that I didn't like it when my friends told me I looked like a boy.
All only because of photographs.
My sister was busy and loved Mr. Stewart. She worked all the time and was silly, rarely. A lot of her free time was spent at Vince's house, on his couch or in his room. It was a dark brown leather couch that looked like it belonged in the New York City Library. Sometimes all of us and some of his friends would go up to the loft until early in the morning. I bet she was really lonely, a lot. But a lot of people liked her; she was on the pom-squad and is a very good dancer. I don't know how she balanced her life. I really like her.
All because of perception.

2007-10-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

Oh summer life, crawling with these worms, you're afraid of all their germs.
Oh bask in life, the weathers going to swallow you into the great divide.
Oh enjoy life, climbing up those trees and breaking all your knees.

Watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon.
I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high, and pretend that you're alive again.
It's friends that leave you here in the end.

Now autumn brings the beautiful things, where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.
Your life's a song, so sing along before the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn.

Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming "Bury us," they said, while panicking, my mind was broken.

pop punk.

2007-09-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

This album that I'm listening to epitomizes my innards right now. Seriously, Midtown has captured my soul once again. The year of 2002 is reoccurring in my mind; I felt so much that year. I remember thinking that things were ever going to be worse. Things got worse.

But I don't think that if I had to have experienced them at the moment, I would have been able to survive. While I was at ATU that summer, I layed on a couch in the music departments lobby, feeling angry at the world because injustice was being served to me on a dish of silver plated pewter. My legs dangled over the side of the tweed, khaki couch and my red converse turned the heads of a few people. I was so naive, but those feelings were so pure. Big intellectual statement of the night: As a nation, we pretend as though kids don't have legitimate reasoning or feelings. I think that is in fact completely twisted around. Young people, from my limited experience, have a great ability to sense and truthfully feel things, mostly because they haven't yet been jaded or had their brains messed around with. My kids will so be in Montessori schools.

My GED scores came in and I did decently well. I scored in 99 percentiles mostly. Science was in the high 80's. What's with that? So I officially have my "Arkansas High School Diploma". It made me laugh but then I was proud...of course I had just woken up from a two hour nap so I probably didn't get the full effect of satisfaction from it as due to me being a bit drowsy.

It's been less than a week and my guts have turned inside out. I've also accomplished to finish the entire first season of House on tv-links.

I want cherries in my cherry-limades, damnit!

2007-09-23T19:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I have to keep myself from deleting and throwing away everything I've ever written.

I want to go.

my body feels funny.

2007-09-19T14:33:00.001-07:00

#65.1 - Final Fantasy - Pour Light is spent
Uploaded by lablogotheque

a headache is approaching me from the back, while the shakes have the nerves to come up to me face to face. i don't know what to say to them because i'm confused. why are they working in tandem? why me? what is happening that these kids need to visit me? are they going to try to sell me drugs? but for some reason they don't say anything to me. i thought they would, honest. at least a little smile or a menacing "ima gonna get you!". instead it was just a lingering presence that makes me question every one of my motives in life and how true i am to myself. why don't i have any friends who i see on a regular basis? i can't deny that i need a life. and that the one i have isn't being lived out very well because i think all the time. i need to relax and enjoy. yes? the headache agreed with me and lightened its reigns. it was the first time either one of them did as little as mumble a word.
a phone interrupted the pleasant lull in telepathy between me and myself and the two leeches. it was my momma. she had good advice because she asked how i was doing. i was honest with her and told her that i didn't feel very good about my conversational skills and my ability to be sufficient for my friends. the headache and the shakes stayed quiet while i talked to her. i hung up and i felt both of them giving me a hug. it made me yawn and then my eyes welled up with tears. they told me they loved me and then walked away. i had never been so sad to see such things go.

2007-09-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

every child loves ponies or donkeys or dolphins at one time or another...but i never did like traditional animals. i had a weird fascination with cows. in fact, i had this stuffed toy cow that i carried around with me ALL the time. i once lost it and cried for two weeks straight. i took it to church, to school, to dinner, it was always in my little girl purse. people made fun of me. i didn't care.
i also sucked my thumb for way too long. paranoia, probably. but a lot of people made fun of me for that too. i didn't care. i kept sucking and sucking until i screwed up my teeth. i remember my mom trying to make me stop sucking my thumb by putting tobasco sauce on it, dipping it in rubbing alcohol OH and i remember one time she bought something that tasted like it was of a level 1 pH. it was god awful.
this picture was taken today at my elementary school's playground. kind of reminds me how dismal my memories of those years were. hah!

promise me

2007-09-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

"the heart is dumb and the heart is blind, but I think you'll find that the Lord is kind."

There is a fast breeze that has trailed into the inside of this structure that i sit. The window is open and awake and happy to be freed. I am enjoying it's company while listening to girls proclaim prophecies of the heart that are unfathomable when compared to its form of release.
I have become chilly and the wind chimes make noises for the people in earshot to hear. I hear the wind chimes. This flourish of nature's hint of the soon made presentation of fall makes my heart clench tight and stops my thoughts. They are renewed and I start over again with simplicity on my face.
Within the time I'm alloted, I will do everything to enjoy it. I will make it worthwhile and wonderful; time will stand still for a small blink in the effortless, never ending chain of the universe's natural cycle. It sits laughing its way through each and every one of our lives. And while it laughs its beautiful, bellowing laugh, we will be content. We will smile.

ich bin lächerlich!

2007-09-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

but in a good way. but i think it's really ridiculous that i write and speak in german whenever i'm not even in germany. and god knows i'm not fluent, so that makes me even sillier.
i bring this up because i never want to be a person who lists all of their favorite bands on something that isn't designed for music. i don't want to be an indie rockstar. i want to be smart and intellectual and wise and kind and happy and full of life an energy.

i finished my GED testing today. i should know what i made on it within a week. sadly, i have to make up credit hours before i can be released so i get to develop my resume for 5 hours every day by taking a multitude of graphic design classes and architecture classes and photography classes and auto mechanics if i want! NTI is a pretty fun place. it's a lost less...diverse that i would have expected. and there is a very limited amount of women there.

i have to dye my hair soon. i am not looking forward to this change. at all all at alla taalll.
because honestly, this looks silly!

ole!

i am having a delightful time thumbing through my old photobucket, seeing old pictures of me.
fond memories, indeed.

okay.

i'll take one earn, please.

2007-09-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

People try to shove their lives, collectively, into a metal or wooden basket made for corpses. That's a lovely thought, isn't it? I think it would be quite hilarious to have my life, even thus far, shoved into a box. I wonder if you could get the lid closed. Perhaps it would take a few dozen men from the Japanese School of Strong Boys. Either way, it's funny that we bury people in really nice clothes, their most valuable, worldly possessions and a few thousand dollars of storage that will be witnessed by a living human eye for, at most, three days. This seems preposterous. It is not that I am against the dead, it is that I am all for cremation. Our bodies are here for one reason: to serve as temples of God, to facilitate each and every one of us to be sons and daughters of Christ and live our lives day by day being exemplary beings. I wish it were that easy to toss the world away and live for our true purpose. I want to learn to do it better. I truly do. BUT, i'm getting side tracked. Whenever we are taken from our bodies, there is nothing left but skin and organs and such, but since I'm an organ donor, there's no organs left if I plan on dying in a healthy fashion. I wish to be cremated and scattered across somewhere beautiful. Somewhere truly beautiful that I haven't discovered yet. The day I find it, I'll know where my temporary body will be.
I guess I'm tired and not making much sense.

i put my hands upon your hips, when i dip you dip we dip

2007-09-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

I AM A BROKEN RECORD PLAYING ON A PRISTINE MACHINE.

Creep, Nickelshit, and Three Whores Down

2007-09-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hip Hip Hooray for HD Radio!

Chin Up Chin Up

presenting

We Should Have Never Lived Like We Were Skyscrapers

and

This Harness Can't Ride Anything

chin up has a goodness about them, although they aren't the style of music i would be listening to, particularly.
out of their three albums, they've seemed to keep a continuum of assholeyness, brutality, and nerves of steel. These boys are unafraid of what feedback they may get back for being such a lighthearted band naming tracks to include profane words.
i like them. you should too.

Any normal person really wouldn't be an advocate of this, but if ever one needs a musical expander, I've got it. It's called Undies and it is an HD station off of Oklahoma City's rock channel called The Buzzzzzzzzz. The Buzz has stuff like Creed, Nickelback, and Three Doors Down. But not Undies! OH no, my dear friend. Because they are HD, you can listen to the station and satisfy your diversity craving with Minus the Bear, LCD Soundsystem, Dan Deacon, The Shins, Arcade Fire and Bell Orchestre, Deerhoof, Go! Team, Wolf Parade, Pere Ubu, Rufus Wainwright, Blonde Redhead, My Morning Jacket, Animal Collective, Ladytron, Essex Green, Dinosaur Jr., Wilco, Camper Van Beethoven, Sonic Youth, Fiona Apple, Dukespirit, Chin Up Chin Up, Stellastarr*, Band of Horses, Belle and Sebastian, Magnetic Fields, Flaming Lips, Broken Social Scene, Yo La Tengo, Andrew Bird and to make it REALLY eclectic they threw in some Darkest Hour and Pig Destroyer, too! I really have to stop now but they just keep getting better and better these bands!
You will listen. But, with all good things come bad ones: The stream won't tell you the names of anything. So you're kind of screwed whenever you actually want to know songs...and if you REALLY do, here's a tip: listen to the lyrics, then google them. it should give you an answer. hopefully.

K DUDE, here it comes:

http://www.947thebuzz.com/main.html
directions: click the link. then find HD2 on the top bar. click "listen live". i'll almost guarantee that it will be something worth listening to.

in other news, I'm having a planned pregnancy?

i've always known

2007-08-29T19:34:00.001-07:00

but never to this extent. i write in shambles and never make complete sentences, sense and always seem to be inept of any other kind of linguistic necessity right when i begin to speak or write. i'll never make sense. my mind goes a million rabbits an hour and my heart beats a million habits a minute. i know exactly what i mean to say and yet, i never say it. i'm too nice. my family and friends have said it for God knows how long, but i'll finally accept it. i'm too nice and i really don't know how to be really mean. i mean, i'm sure i know how and have the capacity to, which one day will be released, but for now...it seems as though i forget that i'm a human begin too. my feelings are just as important as others. as my friends, as my families, as those people in the back of the class who annoy the hell out of me, yet i'm too afraid to ask them to quit because i don't want to hurt them or for them to think negatively about me. to those of you who see this: i'm sorry. SHIT. there i go again.

i never thought liberation would ever feel this restrictive and boring.

ich wandere sehr gern.

2007-08-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

too much sufjan stevens. tooooo much sufjan stevens. i've been listening to him non stop. especially that i finally got my iHome hooked up. stoked olivia. ALE is getting awfully boring: a chemistry packet today. a life sciences packet friday. a history packet tomorrow. damnit, i've had AP classes in every single one of those courses. i know this stuff on the back of my hand, yet i have to sit in a class all day long doing this remedial work, listening to kids talk about their court dates, probation officers, and how many times they've 'done it' and with what kind of protection. no, i'm not superior and i'm not judging them. this is seriously how it is. i'm not used to it and it isn't particularly the position i would prefer to be in. i found out today that the boys have been talking about me. i would very much like to be invisible, but my hair is kind of stopping me. because of said hair, the boys seem to think i'm a "freak in bed". that's promising, right? the girls think i'm a bitch because i only talk to ben, whom i've known for years, and because i have red hair. and apparently i dress weird? what the hell, there is a dress code! i just wear fun shoes. oh, and i can't forget that i, once again, got called a lesbian. this, give or take a few other reasons, is why i am no longer in high school. so since i don't have much to do in class, i did this today.

You don't remember my name

2007-08-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

The night's moon glows without knowing
what paths' it's allowing him to see.
He stumbles as he escorts two girls up the pavement-
unaware of what he'll see tomorrow.
His friends laugh it off, tossing away
their consciouses in replace of mine.
Why do black footsteps
become imprinted into the road
by soles of sandals and beautiful black heels?
Thank God for honesty, commitment and morality.
I'm glad we have it to choose to implement
when we feel it necessary.
The night moves on fast,
impossible to recollect, too difficult to stop.
"I don't know why", he screams, "I don't know why!"

Forgiveness seeps through saliva, sound waves and telephone lines.

On the other side hides a heart
void of any consequences.
So happy this institution allows us to be free.
He doesn't forget pertinent information
when he wakes with a headache from his sleep.

this is old.
my chest hurts.
my stomach is churning.
and i've made myself sick.

2007-08-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

so today is like my birthday.
the big 1-7. still in the teens.
give me 12 more months and i'll be totally legal.
you know, doing all the bad shit. buying cigs, porn, strip clubs, casinos!
...just kidding.

i'm waiting until 4 o'clock rolls around to call my friend Amy. she's kind of the basis of plans today and she has to get out of school in order for me to talk to her. hopefully she'll be kind enough to pick me up and take me where to do whatever.
i think a group of us may be going rollerskating or ice skating or pickle skating.

i went to get the mail today and i opened the door to come back into the house and noticed something of high importance: the lock box is gone. what? i turn around into the bright august sun that was popping out behind the grey, dismal clouds. it takes a moment for me to focus...it's much too brilliantly white...but then i see it. the 'for sale' sign is gone. has my house sold? has my dad taken it off the market? either way i'm slightly pissed, but have a good blackmail scheme. i was on the phone with him this morning...he care not to share with me? his own daughter who is living in the house? i suppose, no.

it is time to call.

Kto's Mnie Kocha!

2007-08-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

that its pronouced: Katoe Menyay Co-cha. I know this because I know how to pronounce a multitude of Polish words. ONLY because I have sung the language before.
'Dwa Serduska'.
as much as i felt distain for that song, and as much as i hated listening to it be performed by the 2007 all-state woman's chorus, I am so happy that I got to learn that tiny bit of Polish.

I just got off the phone.

I am smiling.

I had a good first day at the juvenile adult learning center. GED better be easy. college better not be. i need to work for something. i figure chemical engineering will do it. haha. i'm completely serious...isn't that crazy?

1. moscow (русский язык)
2. prague (český)
3. berlin (deutsch)
4. bologna (italiano)
5. mykonos (Ελληνικά)

please, come with.

BIRTHDAY. 2 DAYS.

sister. i love her.

she opened the window for the rain.

2007-08-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

i feel so much, it is impossible for me to even pretend to write it down.

i know so much, it is ridiculous for me to ask for advice. i will learn.
i have known everything in my life. whenever you think about it, you have too.
that is SO much. every second of every day. every thought in every second.
my capability is so vast. one could never remember everything that has happened, but to have the knowledge that it has happened... we don't question it, but we don't think about it.
should we promise ourselves the entirety of our past?
or should we deny ourselves of what our selective memories close out?

i don't know what in the world i am talking about.

a predator lurking in the woods; i am looking for something to sink my teeth into.
my guard is up and my defenses will be strengthened: tomorrow i am going to jail.
a plain grey shirt, tucked in.
blue jeans, with a belt.
get your hair off your face.
the metal detectors are at the front entrance of the building.

was macht du in deiner freizeit?

2007-07-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

i have no clue what i am supposed to do whenever i get home.

i think i'll be living with my grandparents? riding my bike every where i go. seriously; up and down hills. i'll get so much exercise i won't know what to do with myself.

my permit is waiting on me, but even whenever i do get my liscence i will be riding my bike for the most part. governor's school has gotten to me whenever it comes to environmental issues.
danke shon.

i'm so sad that it is almost over. genuinely sad. i'd rather not leave at all. perhaps we'll make an ags 2007 commune.

my love...

2007-07-04T08:57:00.001-07:00

is abundant. i wll use it to it's full capability and never let it fail to keep me afloat.

i love life. friends. family.

i am so thankful for what God has given me. who God has given me. all that God has given me.

2007-07-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

I do not necessarily see the point in updating this thing, but i need a place to create a wishlist.
i am doing my best to stay away from livejournal because it has obviously proved destructive to me. proven on multiple occasions.

it is 5:26 am.
i have not been asleep since 7:56 am this morning. it has been years since i've stayed up for 24 hours. i do not think i will make it today, either.

i love what life has given me. there are precious people all around me. my sister had a friend commit suicide. she was 19 years old and it breaks my heart. more than 1000 people came to her funeral, and it wasn't just 'people'. it was her friends, family, teachers, mentors, people who actually cared about her. she felt so alone, but she had SO many people. it isn't fair and it definitely isn't fair whenever i think i don't do anything productive for anyone in this life. i just have to tell myself to shut up. also, my mom and i had a long discussion. we both agree that it would be a fantastic idea to back me off prozac.

i got my wedding invitation from marcus on friday. i'm excited....i have no date.

GIGANTIC.

2006-11-04T07:34:00.003-08:00

It is how i feel right now. How timely; how in keeping with the fast pace of this blog post that I might actually be listening to Gigantic by the Pixies right at this moment.
And i don't actually feel gigantic in a good way. i just feel like huuuuuge, fat olivia. i need a hug. a lot of hugs, actually. gimme!
Last night was my "first" day of work. I sat in a meeting room for two hours watching videos about how to take care of shoplifters after i filled out a lot of paper work. But i actually did get some experience on the floor. I'll be working today, which is the biggest sale of the year. I won't be able to ring any one up because i don't know how to use the system yet...I'm just worried about being in peoples way. It'll be packed. My shift is from 2:30-8:30. I don't really understand why they couldn't just make it from 2-8. Weord.
In other news: I've let myself go down the drain, so to speak. I don't do anything but feel really bad about myself. Yes, i know. whine, complain, whine, complain. But hey, i made you, Blogger. stfu.
I really do wish my life was more interesting...HOWEVER, after work last night i was on my way home whenever amy called me. My friends have a band, Punch Out(whom i made posters for, as portrayed by the following pictures you can click on to see a bigger version)

But yeah so after their show amy called me to let me know i needed to meet up with everyone at Waffle House. so i did. Now, whenever she referred to "everyone" i figured it was her and about five other people. I was very wrong. It was indeed more like thirteen people. All of whom i enjoyed seeing, it was just kind of shocking. Anyway, it was really enjoyable. I am shocked to say: i'm grateful for the people that go to school with me. They're really neat and fun. :)
So after everyone was done eating yummy waffles and greasy food, me, Scott, Josh, Nessa, Amy, Jon, and Chad went to Josh's. It took a while for everyone to finally get settled to watch a movie, which was Thank You For Smoking. I wasn't bad for what i saw of it. Josh was being a big doucheydouche so Chad took me home. Then i got home and threw up because i didn't feel good. Too much candy from halloween still in me, i guess. hahaha.
I've been taking a lot of pictures lately...but only of myself, as demonstrated by the photo at the top of the bloggyblog. Which is kind of narcissistic and gross, but i'll admit, i like a couple of them. And i don't feel like a big douche when telling people how to pose or what to do. haha.
Oh yeah, yesterday i wrote a script for my German class. Well, not the entire class, just a portion of the class. I may just post it on her later. As for this post, it is getting much too long.
TSCAU!